Saturday, September 17, 2011

Newly Weds Anonymous

Welcome new member,

We would like to thank you for enrolling in Newly Weds Anonymous, your overall guide to your brand new wonderful life with your amazing partner. Our 4 week seminar is the ultimate training experience as you seek to learn everything there is to know about being a newly wed. Our team of professional experts, coupled with our intense courses and interactive group sessions are the perfect tools for overcoming all your newly wed jitters. We hope you find the experience informative and beneficial.

Given the number of topics we expect you'll want to cover, we have asked each member to preselect the top 5 topics you wish to cover over the four weeks. Good Luck and Happy Newly Wedding.

1.Who's Turn Is It To Cook Dinner?
2.The Dirty Clothes Go In The Hamper and Not On It
3.Are You Really Going To Watch That Right Now.
4.Who's Hair Is That?
5.Its Called A Phone – Use It
6.Tell Me About It After The Game
7.I Married You Not Your Family
8.44 Ways To Remember To Put Your Ring On
9.Just Because I Looked, Doesn't Mean I'm Interested
10.Compromise works BOTH ways
11.Sex Continues After The Wedding
12.Everyone's A Suspect

We also ask that in the comment box, you leave your suggestions for future topics.

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Thursday, October 14, 2010

Men Don't Want Sex???

When it comes to the clash of the species I will be the first guy to admit, that in the battle of sexual dominance, women have the upper hand. Lets face it, a man will never turn down sex, however we can’t always say the same for women.

But, it was only after reading an article from one of my favorite e-sites, that I realized quite a few men suffer from the same sexual “mistake”. Furthermore this mistake seems to be the major cause of a huge breakdown in the bedroom. Well, this might put me in man hell, get me evicted from the man club, or cost me a few man stripes but I’m going to let the cat out of the bag. Ladies, men DO get tired of sex!

Now before the gentlemen start burning me at the stake let me explain what I mean by tired of sex. It has been scientifically proven that unless you are suffering from a serious sexual dysfunction, it typically takes very little for a man to get an erection, and this comes even at times when he least warrants it. We can argue socialization or thinking with the wrong head, but once a man’s weapon is cocked and ready to fire, he’s going to assume it can be used! But ladies how many times has your man’s perfectly plump tool gone completely out of commission soon after he begins to use it? And this leads you asking yourself that fundamental question, is it me?

Well the truth is that even though a man may appear ready for sex, a lot of the times we really aren’t. Sounds strange doesn’t it? Remember, an erection is just as much a physiological response as it is an emotional one, and though it may be ‘hard’ to believe, there are times when we are either too tired, distracted, depressed or even (you ready for it) not in the mood to have sex! But how dare you ever let your partner in on that tragic piece of information. Therefore we fall victim to the golden mistake that men are notorious for…making an attempt, when failure is inevitable.

What you’ll find is your man has the energy to start the job, but then he is quickly reminded why he was not up for the task, which leads to performance failure, and this can be embarrassing for both parties.

I know quite a few of you females might be thinking “well should I ask my man if he’s in the mood before sex?” My answer to this is a resounding NO. Remember, society frowns upon a man who ‘turns down sex’ and even in our weakest hour, we still believe there’s a superhero costume tucked below our tighty-whites. My best piece of advice would be this, take the lead from your guy.

Any circumstance you have to coerce into sex will not turn out positively. So if you’re subtle hints does not lead to him stripping down faster than a slut at Mardi Gras, call it quits. If your man is up to the task, you won’t have to lay too many breadcrumbs.

Also bear in mind that you’re not both going to be in the mood at the same time. Because one is ready for sex, doesn’t mean the other is also ready to respond. So ladies if you’re loins are burning and you want your boy toy to quench the fire, make sure you don’t have to force that hose on, or you’ll be left having to fan your own flame!

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Sunday, September 5, 2010

The ONE type of woman you should not date

Indeed I have covered quite a few topics of interest, but none as profound as the one I am about to discus. Mainly because this may actually be one of those topics that impacts heavily on all areas of a relationship where the Mars clan is concerned.

It all stemmed from a conversation I was having with a bunch of high schoolers on the type of girl they should never date. When I first asked what they though about the topic, the typical egocentric answers started to emerge like, “she has to be able to cook…satisfy me in bed… she must have a fat ass and breasts…” some even stooped so low as to say “spitter are quitters!” I don’t remember ever being that shallow, honest.

After a while we did get to a point that started to resemble more of what I was looking for, and that was the core values that every man wants in his future wife. With a bit of patchwork and cross-generational research, I began to see a trend in the reasons many men loose interest in their partner after a period of time; what attributed to most arguments amongst heterosexual couples and what signs men look for as escape mechanisms when they go on a date. What I found was this.

At the end of a day, a man wants to feel… like a man! And a dude will stay shy of any female when he begins to see signs of what I describe as Emotional Castration. It starts as the woman who begins barking orders and dictating the pace of the date, to the woman who wants to tell you how to make love to her, to the woman who sees the need to continuously put you down and point out that you are ‘nothing like her father’. Nothing says, I need to get the ‘hell out of here’ faster than a woman who is going to make you aware of your every inadequacy and feel the need to prove that ‘without her, you would be NOTHING’.

This may be something hard for the modern day female to accept because you can’t even turn on the radio without hearing some woman empowering herself. It’s all “emancipate yourself” this, and “don’t need a man” that, that has women believing that to have any place in society, they must stamp their authority in her man’s life, in the home and in the relationship. What ever happened to the woman who actually gave her man a back rub and a drink when he was just terminated from work? Nowadays a woman is so keen on pointing out a man’s inadequacies that they do it even when he actually does something commendable. Where are the woman that made a man feel… like a man?

The long and short of it is this, the Emotional Castration woman is seen in certain types, like the over accomplished business woman, or the girl who had six brothers, and by extension a man will sound the alarm and take cover when he sees signs of this creature raring its ugly head. So unlike the younger generation who believe that superficial qualities are what will make or break a relationship, those of us who are serious look to those evolutionary traits that still say… The Man is the head of the household and the woman bears her rightful place, by his side.

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Saturday, June 26, 2010

Enough is Enough

There comes a time in everyone's life where they need to let go of the old, and get with the new. Dolls stored in boxes need to be thrown away. Women need to come to grips with the reality that they will never fit into that little black dress they swore at New Years to “lose some weight” and finally “get back into”. Even men have to choose between the 64 bits of the original Nintendo or their Playstation 3. But where it concerns matters of the heart, just how much is it necessary to continue “maintaining ties” with your ex, or cutting them off completely.

This is in fact a continuation from the earlier Mars/ Venus examination of being a 'Friend with your Ex', but this time I am more concerned with the extent to which we still feel the need to remain being courteous.

Of course the situation exists where a break up is mutual, cordial or even respectable, to which courtesy naturally follows, but in situations where it was nasty, painful or even down right heart wrenching, is it really necessary to continue sending 'Happy Birthdays, Congratulations and Life Updates?” Do we have to keep them on our facebook, messenger and calendar updates, or is it best that we maintain a clean break?

In many times I find that people feel some need or sense of duty because it is the “respectable thing to do”, but then are we really helping ourselves or the other party, or merely facilitating a situation that could grow to just be ugly. How many of you have that friend that just can't let go of their ex, so badly that you want to slap them every time you see them say “Oh it's his birthday, I think I should give him a call?” Or worse checking facebook every 5 minutes to see if her status has changed to 'in a relationship'.

In many of these cases one party has or will eventually emotionally terminate the other, at which point the continuous contact becomes unnecessary. Half the time in a break up, we don't want to 'stay friends' or even want to hear from the other party, but it just seems callous if we don’t say it.

Well, Mars thinks that even the women can 'man-up' in this situation. Many times during a break up we are definitely not honest with ourselves or the other person. Do I mean some of us need to start going 'I'm through with you and I never want to hear from you again?' No... but should the other party say 'you hurt me and I never want to hear from you again' A thousand times YES. Sometimes a clean break is not only recommended, it is dire to someone moving on. Let’s be honest, we never really get over someone until we find someone else, and in most cases one person already has. Holding on to the past is just plain unfair to yourself and your partner. Even worse is someone who continues to facilitate a relationship, knowing that they have emotionally terminated the other person. That seems meaner than saying anything at all.

So the cutting up of pictures, deleting of contact info and blocking of calls may not be the act of a lunatic, but merely an act of pure survival.

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Friday, June 11, 2010

Will you still love me, tomorrow?

There was a point in time when I used to believe that having an orgasm was synonymous with falling in love, which probably explains why I love myself so much! But in my semi-brief time here on earth I have come to realize that there is a popular misconception women have about sex; 'that which is said under the influence is most likely the truth'.

Now while this rule can probably be applied to such conditions as being drunk, for a man quite the opposite is experienced during sex. The dangerous thing about ‘pleasure’ or a ‘high’ is that some people might do anything to get it; that includes the famous man-trap that you women so commonly practice when you ask that question during sex…”Do you love me?”

Let me make this completely clear, for that relatively brief moment in time during sexual intercourse, especially if is it’s good, the answer is… OF COURSE WE ARE IN LOVE!!! But like alcohol when the effects wear off we are brought back to reality. The Ugly truth is, when women get dickmatized the effects can be lifelong, when men get pussytized the effects are temporary.

So the conclusion is simple. God gave men two heads and not enough blood to use the both of them. Regardless of the one that falls ‘head-over-heels’ during intercourse, the other one is always there to quickly bring us back to reality in the morning.

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Tuesday, April 20, 2010

10 Things That Can Make A Pretty Girl Ugly

With the invention of items such as makeup, wonder-bra and extendable body parts, its fairly difficult for a woman to get away with being ugly these days. Even the most hideous creature can look somewhat presentable with the right amount of emoluments to compliment her already ailing canvas. However, whether you are Aphrodite or airbrushed from head to foot, there are still of couple of things that force us men to turn and run the other way. Lets face it, beauty is not only skin deep. So whether you’re looking to beef up your beauty repertoire or just plain keep that sparkle in your eye, there are a few things you always want to bear in mind.

1). A Smile can get you a long way. I’m not saying plaster on a set of joker lips, but even the prettiest face can be scarred by a woman who looks like she's sitting in a meat market. Men like to see a pleasant face, we tend to stray away from miserable ones.

2). Its called being nice, learn how to do it. You’d be surprised how much a “sorry I’m not interested” as opposed to a “nigga please” works in your favor. There’s a big difference between being a lady and being a bitch. No one likes a bitch…period.

3). I’m all for blondes, even dumb ones, but there’s a line of stupidity we just won’t cross. You may be pretty enough to get away with asking me what day of the week we’re in, but if you don’t know the days of the week, we have a problem.

4). At no time should you smell worse than we do. Men have been oblivious to a few things for centuries, and we do it because we prefer to live in a lie. As far as we're concerned, Women don’t fart, burp, dodo or stink! So imagine our horror if we realize you smell like a set of basketball shorts after four quarters. Which brings me to my next 3 points… Women should not

5). Burp

6). Fart or…

7). Do Do. I’m not saying you have to hold it in for the rest of your life, I’m just saying we NEVER want to know about it! A woman’s ass is sacred, and it is never to be desecrated by the thought of you popping a squat.

8). They say sex is a weapon… well good sex is its ammunition. Even the prettiest girl can be kicked to the curb, if she’s not servicing her man right. Look at Halle Berry… her Monster’s Ball performance could have saved her first marriage.

9). Don't be too controlling! The yes dear thing words as a cute wedding advice story, but it real life, it could get your coffee poisoned. Let your man, feel in control, even if he has no clue what he's doing. And...

10). If you remember nothing else, remember this. In the end, a man’s bank account always wins. After all, a man is only as attractive as what he can bring to the table, so when we’re stripped of our amour, chances are we wont go in to battle. If it becomes apparent that you are a burden to my bank account, I’m going to have to save my pennies and get a cheaper companion.

You stick to that script, and I gurantee you, you'll spend less time in the salon and more time int he sack.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

EX cuses EX cuses EX cuses!

So I already have to deal with the fact that he's had his fair run in the sack before I did, plus he's already held that very special place in your heart that I'm now learning how to occupy... Now you want us all to go to the movies together and sing cum-by-yah? Hell No!

Mars isn't going to let this one go without a fight. Just imagine how many insecurities a man has to overcome before he can even let go enough to allow his woman to leave the house, now he has to play second fiddle to someone who was previously making a nest where you would like to lay. That's not only a conflict of interest, its a war of ideas!

How is it reasonable for you to ask your new love interest to accept that you are best friends with your ex?

Let's assume that you've given your past relationship its fair trial and have come to grips with the fact that you no longer want to be with this person, then why keep them around, and keep them around so much that you would go as far as to solicit their opinion on the one you're dating? Let's face it, at least one party is ALWAYS still interested, and this is where the whole thing falls apart. You just can't escape bias, and the hope that one day the other will slip, and things will fall back into place. If you had enough chemistry to be together before, then why can't it happen again?

Everyone knows that men and women are built with that internal radar that goes off whenever we detect a 'threat', and with our biological siren going off everytime we hear you say "oh yeah me and guy x were just discussing that..." What room is there for us to grow as a couple? You'd be doomed before you got to the end of the first date.

The verdict is simple, no one is saying you have to be enemies with an Ex, but best friends is a tough enough pill for any new love interest to swallow. Sooner or later you're going to have to ask yourself "do I want to take the plunge into a world of new opportunities, or stay gripping to a sea of lost hope".

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